Greetings Mortal, the name is CLAIRE. Currently living in a world of my own and making 1st November of each year a day closer to my coffin.










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Designer: BangBang-
Basecode: kisses.away
Resources: xoxo

just came back from my riding.

yesterday's riding was scary. the lesson is to ride outside and whoo. the speed and the wind was fun. it felt really good! but there was a bike that was speeding and overtake me really closely. he was later followed by a van who wanted to change lane to the left while i wanted to go the right. there was a bit of confusion in my mind and i was following the van really really close. thank goodness it didnt brake and i was able to see my instructor and followed him after that.

it was a scary experience but fun nevertheless. although it its $40.

i will be going later tonight.i hope i get him as my instructor. its been so long.
later on my sister will be following me. she is also taking her bike license and she's attending her first lesson. deep inside, i know i want her to learn riding but another part of me don't. of course for a selfish reason. and mainly because of him. i mean, my sister is attractive and all. and he became her instructor......

oh god the thought of it is insufferable.

my sister's physical attractiveness have always been a threat in my mind. whenever i bring my friends over, or a particular guy over, they will keep looking at her. its like she turns head every where she goes. thus, i'm always insecure in terms of this. but seriously, i dont want them to just look at her. i want them to speak to her. listen to her as she speaks without reasoning and her pronunciation and her english. i want them to know about that. but its not possible. cos my friends will never talk to her. they will only look at her and 'aww, she's so pretty'.

sigh.

didnt blog again for quite some time. maybe i have become more and more lazy, lacking of thoughts or i have been talking to jia ming more often therefore i dont feel like blogging. cant explain this feeling. maybe because i only blog when i dun feel happy and when i speak to jia ming, i do feel contented. no, im not in love with him, i just feel happy to talk to someone who means a lot to me.

so after last night i realized how much he dislike daniel despite not having any interaction or contact with him at all! and its all because of me. how can you dislike someone without even knowing him? then i thought about it but i cant come up with an answer except for the obvious 'he/she hurts the one i love'.

then before jia ming and i had to turn in. and i thought of why he wants to wake up early today despite not having lessons. and i thought of his friends, and realize this feeling;i dislike his friends as much as he dislikes daniel. maybe im too possessive over jia ming, or maybe im just jealous or maybe they treat him like a tool. maybe its a combination. but it all comes down to; they hurt him too. and he willingly went back to them although he knew very well that they are using him. i was disgusted, they irk me. maybe with the emotion of jealousy, my impression on them has turned from a mere dislike to just hate itself. and the worse part was jia ming still goes back to them like a bird going back to its cage just because there is food there. i dun know what kept jia ming there..

in the past, i always wanted jia ming to leave his friends for good. i would do things to gladly be a replacement of them to jia ming. obviously it didnt work out. and now, i get angry at the thought of them.

its like how my dad treats my sister. recently, i found out that my sister and my dad isnt very close. so what made my father choose my sister over me at times? i realized it is because she obeys him without any question. in short, she is his servant, a butler, a slave.
every night, he would go 'lay my bed!' no fail. and my sister would happily do it. every night, i felt angry when i heard him say that, but every night, my sister did it for him while he is just sitting on the couch and watching some useless tv program that isnt even nice! yes i know my sister is watching her shows at that time as well, but cmon, its your own fucking bed, lay it yourself. otherwise, sleep on the floor or something!

when i was younger, my father was sitting on the couch watching TV and i just happened to walk to the kitchen. he saw me coming and ordered 'on the fan for me'. i was furious. even though i was extremely young (not even primary one), i knew he was sitting and waiting for someone to on the fan for him. furthermore, he has been sitting there for quite some time and yet he refused to get up and on the fan for himself! i rebutted 'why cant you do it yourself!?' yes the tone and the volume was unneeded but try to understand that even as a kid, im not a very cheerful person. needless to say, he raged and he didnt speak to me for 2 weeks. it was worth it though.

thinking back, i was proud of myself. i refused to do other people's bidding. maybe a few times, but not every single time. he is just pushing it. even now, he is doing it on my sister but did it stupidly.

i wonder how can people live under the words and actions of other's for so long. if its for the love of your life, i would understand, but this?

been really tired lately. i have been waking up really early again for my theory lessons in the driving centre.
i havent been studying and there is a paper this coming saturday. oh my goodness.

aside from studying, i managed to squeeze in three defensive riding lesson in two days. this is faster than i thought! means i could see him soon. but ugh, common test!

this morning i woke up at 6 cos my lesson is 7.30am. during my theory lesson, i hear a voice through the loud header and i know. i just do that it is him. i was glad that he is so close to me, although i cant see him. but hearing him is good enough.

im going to sleep now. my dog is very active now for no reason. im trying to communicate with her through telepathy. lol.

well before i sleep, i would want people to know of this song; come wake me up by rascal flatts.


I could usually drink you right off of my mind, but I miss you tonightI can normally push you right out of my heart, but I'm too tired to fightyeah, the whole thing begins and I let you sink into my veins and I feel the pain like it's neweverything that we were everything that you said everything that I didand I couldn't do plays throughtonighttonight your memory burns like a firewith every one it grows higher and higherI can't get over it I just can't put out this loveI just sit in these flamespray that you come back, close my eyes tightlyhold on and hope that I'm dreamingcome wake me upturn the TV up loud just to drown out your voice, but I can't forgetnow I'm all out of ideas and baby I'm down to my last cigaretteyeah you're probably asleep deep inside of your dreams while I'm sitting here crying and trying to seeyeah where ever you are baby now I am sure you moved onand aren't thinking twice about me and youtonighttonight your memory burns like a firewith every one it grows higher and higherI can't get over it I just can't put out this loveI just sit in these flamespray that you come back, close my eyes tightlyhold on and hope that I'm dreamingI know that your moving onI know that I should give you upbut I keep hoping that you'll trip and fall back in lovetimes not healing anythingbaby this pain is worse than it ever wasI know that you can't hear me but babyI need you to save metonighttonight your memory burns like a firewith every one it grows higher and higherI can't get over it I just can't put out this loveI just sit in these flamespray that you come back, close my eyes tightlyhold on and hope that I'm dreamingcome wake me upI'm dreamingcome wake me upoh i'm dreaming 
sadly, when i listen to the song and its lyrics, i thought of no one. i only thought of those who i cried for during those nights that i miss them. how sad uh. 
tomorrow, i will be having dinner with my mom. its gonna be so weird.alright. thats all.


I promised myself not to think of him that much. Looks like I went back on my words again, and this time, my fantasies are getting wilder. I don't even know if I'm attracted to him, or just attracted to him in a .. Uh.. Adult way. Today I woke up kinda moody again, because I know I won't have anything to do today and I won't be going riding, I won't be going out, I won't be able to see him and I won't be able to talk to anyone. It's like a pointless day with a purpose to just kill and waste time until I'm able to sleep. I even took a long nap in the evening do that I can kill that and in the hopes of being able to see him in my dreams. But I didn't dream of him. Instead I dreamt of food. How funny. This lack of interaction isn't doing any good to me. I need long face to face conversation to retain my.. Ability to understand people and manipulate them in return. The feeling of being in control is addictive, but the feeling of being able to predict someone else's behavior and making them do obey you unconsciously is indescribable. It's like a dark ability that you would use unconsciously every time you want something to happen, and you know it will happen because well, you are able to make it happen. and right now, I'm losing it. I don't want to lose it yet. I will someday, but not yet. So I have to keep interacting with people. Have long conversation and say things to test other people's reaction to certain words. Touch on certain topic to get a degree of emotion from them and control them from there. Its like a game and it's very fun if you know how to deal with it. Humans are extremely predictable, don't you think so? I'm just finding the unpredictable one that can beat me in my own game. I believe jun Xing can, but he is not good enough. I will like to find that person and be extremely good friends with him or her. Most probably that person is a guy. Girls are stupid, helpless. They lack wits and they have no determination, they are a gender representing weakness. A gender so weak that they beg for man's strength and the security they are able to give. I have no intention to walk down that pathetic path. I hope I dont end up that way.

today's training session was good.

well too good. miaoling dropped by and we shared a lot of laughter.

its weird how the happiest of times, you feel the loneliest. not sure if im explaining this right. but thats how im feeling right now.

no doubt, the laughing was fun. the chatting with sze hong and miaoling during dinner was funny and we laughed so hard. mainly cos miaoling was the joker. shes just too nice and so fun. i wish i could be like her.

so what do i mean by feeling lonely? well in the midst of laughing, i found myself missing something out. its like im having so much fun on my own, its just not right to not share it. i would wanna share it to other people and make them laugh as well. but i couldnt, because there isnt anyone i could share my laugh with.

the first person who came into my mind to tell everything to was jia ming. but i didnt contact him. i felt like texting him or something but i didnt. since he is living so well without me, i know i should do the same way. thats the right way. so i replay a song in my head and sing to the tune and try to make myself happy or distracted with the song in my head.

im really weird am i? complaining when im lonely and complaining when im having fun.

life without love is just so imcomplete. the love of my life, just come out already. make an appearance in my life, its time for you to take control of me and tame this vile, vulgar and rough heart that is full of scars..

dad just vomited pretty badly and loudly. he is obviously food poisoned or just full of food. its scary to hear the noise that he is making. where is my mom? where is she? i havent seen her for days......

everything is in disarray right now. help me..

i need help


so i passed my 5.02 today and im definitely looking forward to 6.01. im riding out of the driving centre! but before i could book another practical lesson, i would have to complete three theory lessons before proceeding. and just one theory lesson is so hard to book. plus the upcoming common test..

i think i cant see him for a month or two. who knows, by then i wouldn't be thinking of him anymore.
but i want to think of him everyday, i love the feeling of being in love. for the whole of this week, i managed to wake up early just because the thought of meeting him was there and imprinted in my mind. i look forward to things and got distracted from other things that weren't worth thinking about. i want to stay in love although not having the person i want would be annoying and frustating at times, but i cant imagine myself being not in love with anyone. last time, i didnt have something or someone to look forward to, therefore i hate it here. i hate this place and i dread doing things altogether..
so.. i would love to stay in love.

now, im going for my table tennis training. hope i wont have anything about it to blog about tonight...